Colony in Space | Sophisticated Idiots

[SCENE] INT. DANCEFLOOR, WEAPONS CONTROL ROOM. NEW YEAR’S EVE.

The Master has arrived, unannounced, at the Doctor’s event.

THE MASTER

I came here tonight because when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

THE DOCTOR

You see, that is just like you, Master. You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you. And I hate you Master, I really hate you.

The Master grins at him, and through the Doctor’s tears, he smiles back.

They kiss.

(Any similarity to When Harry Met Sally is totally coincidental)

This scene, in which the Master can supress his love no longer and pours out his heart to his best frenemy, is the only highlight of this meandering menagerie of mediocrity.

Watching these two chaps across a few stories now, this declaration of love has been brewing.

In fact we called it in our review of Claws of Axos (here's a link if you're too lazy to scroll) – but we were just being flippant. In truth, we didn’t see it actually happening. Much like the IMC not twigging the colonists had snuck out the back door before take-off.

The Master’s proposition is a real heart-in-the-mouth moment and for a beat the Doctor is seriously considering the offer. To abandon his bohemian Jack Reacher lifestyle and settle down with his nemesis to preside over the universe as co-Gods.

It’s a shame there’s no flash-forward montage with them feeding one another grapes, frolicking on the beach and the Master painting him like his French ladies.

But back in the bland reality of this serial, the Doctor rejects his suitor so like any spurned Romeo, the Master immediately gets sulky and opts to detonate a world-destroying mega-weapon.

This scene – played, it must be said, incredibly well by both Delgado and Pertwee - has significance that stretches far beyond this otherwise forgettable serial.

It not only sets up the fundamental difference between the two characters (one is good, the other evil. Duh), but more importantly we finally learn about the Doctor’s motivations.

Does he see himself as an intergalactic police force, righting wrongs wherever they exist through time and space? Is he simply lost and yearning to get home?

No. He’s just curious.

He’s got the keys to go absolutely ANYWHERE (or will do when the Beeb purse strings are loosened) and wants to explore. The Best Gap Year. Ever.

Aside from delivering the Dynasty-esque melodrama of this one scene, the Master has no purpose in this story whatsoever. In common with the rest of this season, the character is clunkily shoehorned in to muddle a script that is otherwise intriguing-ish.

This is the Master’s fourth appearance and he’s already firmly pigeon-holed as a hapless buffoon. No-one in this story takes him seriously and he carries all the threat of an iguana projected onto a big screen.

The Doctor isn’t much better. Pertwee’s ridiculous kung-fu (and his accompanying cry every blinking time) is always embarrassing but is lazily over-relied upon here.

Without wanting to hop onto the old soapbox, we feel the need to declare how much we loathe this trait of the Third Doctor.

If we wanted to watch a hero beating up baddies we’ve got any number of go-to action fellas for that.

The Doc’s USP is that he’s fiendishly intelligent and outrageously resourceful. Seeing our beloved cerebral alien coshing people feels as incongruous as the absurd giant claw hand on the robot.

It’s impossible to ignore the fact that this is the first time Jonny P has been allowed off Earth.

My word, how we’ve missed seeing the TARDIS dematerialise (though they manage to balls up the effect here) and it’s charming to see Jo finally discover the magic of the blue box (plus, her cynicism of the whole time travel malarkey is great).

So it’s a crushing disappointment that Colony in Space tosses away all this potential and engages merely in another box-ticking exercise for early 70s Who:

Minerals MacGuffin? ✔️
Quarry setting? ✔️
Bickering bureaucrats? ✔️
The Master in disguise? ✔️
Jo being non-plussed when threatened with death? ✔️
Clunky political message about peace? ✔️
Sexy mudbath fight? ✔️

All this said, even though the production messes up every other plus-point from finally getting off Earth, there is one major positive of Colony in Space.

The lack of UNIT (bookended Brigadier cameos apart) is a blessed relief.

The scale of our celebrations (ticker-tape, post-match fireworks, half-time Beyoncé set) speaks volumes about how suffocating the Brigadier and his buddies are to Pertwee’s stories.

Unfortunately, the producers choose to fill the space created by this UNIT-shaped hole with precisely naff all.

Instead we’re treated to six long episodes of nothingness on a poor man’s Tatooine.

By the way, when we say Colony in Space doesn’t linger in the memory, we’re not joking: we genuinely had to re-watch it to write this review. We hope you appreciate our level of sacrifice.

Which reminds us…

An inordinate number of characters kill themselves in this story, some more abruptly than others.

Ashe’s death is especially moving. His character has been well developed and his death feels earned – and entirely in keeping with the personality of the man we’ve got to know.

We also applaud the level of respect the Doctor shows the tiny priest who lives in a cupboard, though why the heck he suddenly decides to off himself – and all his people – we’ll never know.

It’s symptomatic of the rushed storytelling of the final episode that also includes plonking a single Abort lever on the most powerful weapon in the known universe.

We’re no neutron bomb experts (swallow your surprise, folks) but to us it seems like another failsafe or two might be an idea.

There are glimmers of quality on show – Ashe’s antagonistic deputy is an interesting character whose arc is well realised, and the colonists versus miners premise has promise – but as the first off-Earth story for the Third Doctor, this is such a let-down.

Overall it’s a perfunctory entry that’s way too long and plodding.

So much so that we’re yearning to return to the tedious trio of Yates, Benton and the Brigadier.

That’s it for now. Roll credits.

Join us again for Colony in Space 2: The Edge of Reason, in which the Master has died and the Doctor grapples with entering the thorny world of the internet dating scene despite being well into his 700s.