Nightmare of Eden | Sophisticated Idiots

2116 AD

23 November

We have lift-off!

I can’t believe I managed to get a ticket aboard the Empress – soooo cool!

I’ve decided on my tin foil suit and my dark goggles: the Pet Shop Boys look. If I say so myself, I look damn good.

24 November

OK, I went for a walk through the ship. We're ALL dressed identically. There must be six different cabins, full of holidaying folk, all wearing the same outfit. WTF!

Also, this was sold to us as a luxury cruise but not much about this setup feels luxury. Seems to me as if it’s all been put together on a meagre budget.

The corridors look like they belong in a Vegas casino.

Anyway, the captain says we’re nearing Azure’s orbit so we should be there in a few hours. He sounds a bit uptight, poor chap.

24 November (additional)

Slight hitch.

We’ve sort of collided with another ship, but without an actual collision.

Yeah, I know, not much of this is making sense at this point.

Apparently we materialised into the path of another ship and now we’re locked together, like when a goat gets its head stuck in a fence. Or a loner with his little fella in a vacuum cleaner.

The long and short of it is: we’ve been delayed.

Some of the other passengers are getting waxy. I reckon the best way to approach all this is with a smile - treat it as a joke and maybe it'll be alright.

25 November – Morning

Some cocky tall fella has turned up.

He’s swanning about with the most absurd ginormous scarf, acting like he owns the place, which is really peeing off the space security guys who've also arrived.

Scarf Man keeps refusing to show security his ID. But they're not taking any action in response. Which makes them kind of inept.

There’s a woman with him, who seems to be his voice of reason. She’s far more switched on. Also, she's wearing a giant floaty smock like she’s from a commune. Respect.

Up close, I’m not sure Scarf Man is very well. He's quite scrawny in his clothes and is sweating like hell. He keeps having to wipe his top lip.

We’re told the uptight captain has gone mental, that he’s just guffawing at his screen all day.

Like when dad watches his cheap sci-fi shows.

25 November - Afternoon

We were told to stay in our cabin. But you know me, when have I ever followed the rules?

You'll never guess what: while I was off exploring, I bumped into a guy wearing some sort of unconvincing costume. He was lumbering about dressed like a charred potato. He had day-glo green eyes and no control over the arms.

He looked absolutely ridiculous – but then he growled at me. I didn't want any trouble, so I came back to my seat as soon as I could. Think I’ll stay here for a bit.

I told the crew about the potato-guy incident but they said I was imagining things.

Maybe I am. I’m boiling in this fricking foil suit. Perhaps the heat is getting to me.

26 November - Morning

They’re working on freeing the ships but no-one’s bothered to explain how. Everything's a bit baffling really.

I was super-bored and wanted to be sure I hadn’t gone mad, so I snuck out again. There was good news and bad.

First, the bad: I saw a load more potato guys (loaded potatoes?). There are a shed-ton of the blighters – where the heck are they coming from?

The good news is they’re so slow you can just walk the other way. So yes, they're basically useless.

But that’s not the strangest thing. I also found a massive painting of a forest.

Or I thought it was a painting until things started moving in it. It must be a giant TV screen.

A dude with an unconvincing German accent keeps coming in and blathering on about his shipment. He’s wearing glasses, so presumably he's a scientist.

I’ve also just seen a robot dog. Even for a mechanoid mutt, he has the freakiest voice. And for some reason, he's wearing a tartan collar.

Honestly, I’m starting to think maybe I’m off my nut on something.

26 November - Afternoon

I may not have been far off with my drugs suggestion.

They strip-searched me today. Checked every orifice for something called vraxoin. At times it tickled.

But I dare not laugh, in case they thought I was high on the stuff.

I’ve concluded the space guards are entirely clueless. They make Thompson and Thomson from Tintin look switched-on. It doesn’t help that they’re dressed as if they’ve come from performing a Village People tribute act at G.A.Y.

The more I learn about Scarf Man the more fun he sounds.

Apparently, he projected himself – somehow – into the giant TV screen where he (or, more accurately, his projection) bit the root of a killer plant that was trying to eat him. That’s pretty hardcore.

And a service engineer said he overheard the fella mutter to himself, “How very odd. How very strange. How very clever.”

I love it. I'm gonna get that saying made into some neon wall art. If I ever get out of this scenario, of course.

I’m using the word scenario, you’ll notice. Other passengers have called it a nightmare. Which feels a bit OTT to me. My nightmares are far scarier than being menaced by a flailing potato man.

27 November - Morning

We’re free! It’s all thanks to Scarf Man. I knew he was a good’un.

So, it turns out the potato people can be controlled by a dog whistle. Which is handy. But makes zero sense if you think about it.

Still, we’re safe so that’s the main thing. Hopefully we can get on with our sodding cruise now.

27 November - Afternoon

Hoorah, we’re on our way! We’re about to reach the Azure orbit.

Looking back on this whole sorry saga, it's been a reasonably enjoyable - if completely bonkers - experience, but one thoroughly overshadowed by drugs.

When this is finally over, it's not an experience I'll be repeating any time soon.