Silver Nemesis | Sophisticated Idiots

Thirteen seconds.

Yep, that’s how long the Cybermen are on screen in Silver Nemesis before they start getting cannon-foddered.

Note to producers: instant emasculation ain't the surest method of convincing audiences these are intimidating foes we should be having nightmares about.

To be fair, our favourite metalheads survive this initial attack. But it’s only another blink of the eye before absolutely everyone clocks that gold will scupper them.

And we mean everyone: the Nazis, the 17th century f**kwits who blight this story and no doubt the Elizabeth II lookalike. Probably also her sodding corgis.

Which cues a silver bloodbath that pervades the remainder of this wildest of wild contradictions of a story. Consider:

Silver Nemesis manages to be hectic while at the same time meandering
It’s seismic – the Doctor wipes out the Cybermen for good, remember – yet also forgettable
It’s equal parts slapstick and po-faced.

Obviously, coming so hot on the heels of Remembrance – which succeeds in curating an art form of a low-key anniversary celebration – Silver Nemesis is left trussed from a branch in its underwear by comparison.

Yet it’s difficult to muster much sympathy for a story that goes to such unsubtle lengths to mimic the great Remembrance.

If you’re gonna nick so many of someone else’s ideas, you can’t then complain about unfair comparisons. Did the National Treasure films whinge about never emerging from beneath the colossal shadow of Indiana Jones?

Let’s delve into the detail.

For starters, it’s a hefty achievement for a three-parter that’s stuffed with THREE loads of villains – and which dangles the small matter of humanity being wiped out – to feel so flat.

The stakes never feel like they’re raised above lazing in the sunshine listening to jazz. And after 40 years in which we’ve thought of nothing else, we’ve finally landed on why Silver Nemesis doesn’t gel.

By our reckoning, this is the first story in Doctor Who history where the TARDIS crew don’t befriend any locals (before you start sending hate mail, we’re giving Edge of Destruction a free pass).

Think about it: there are no hostile bureaucrats waiting to be convinced the Doctor can be trusted. No scientists in need of Time Lord wisdom. No militaria to go gooey over the companion. Not even a sacrificial lamb champing at the bit to off themselves.

In fact, once Courtney Pine has signed Ace’s tape, she and the Doctor don’t interact with a single 1980s human – apart from those tepid Royal guards.

This renders Earth a rather inconsequential backdrop to the tussle between the warring factions seeking the Silver MacGuffin (putting the guff in MacGuffin?). It’s a mere backcloth. Like the cityscape drape in The Aztecs.

Which all results in any iota of emotional weight being extracted from proceedings. The Cybermen’s plan is vague and insipid to start with – when we delete the risk of any stakes, we have ourselves something of a snag.

Now, this doesn’t mean for one moment that Silver Nemesis isn’t a whole lotta fun.

It just requires the audience to approach it with a certain frame of mind. Being six pints down will help the viewing experience no end. It’s the approach the writers took, so why not?

There’s certainly an undercurrent of intoxication to some of the script. In a story so short, it’s befuddling how much padding has been crammed in.

Scenes with zero purpose – but which nevertheless broil with fun – come thick and fast:

The Doctor and Ace’s stream shoot-out escape (and wow, those mind-controlled hitmen give up quicker than Turlough when Five takes his Warriors of the Deep plunge)
The thugs’ encounter with the social workers
The distinctly pointless limo scenes (where the camerawork’s jerkier than in Blair Witch)
The Windsor Castle shenanigans with the Queen.

Ordinarily, we’d also include in this list all the screentime Ace and the Professor spend lolling about soaking up the soothing sounds of jazz – but these moments are a joy to behold, so we’ll forgive them.

Frankly, we don’t see the Doctor and his companions relaxing enough. Not since Colin’s brief fishing foray with Peri.

In fact, any pleasure to be taken from Silver Nemesis is exclusively down to the Doctor and Ace, who are simply divine as a duo.

Sophie gets to display her action chops again. Here, she takes out six Cybermen by herself, including the Cyber leader (though he rises, Dracula-esque, from the dead – until the Branson lookalike squire finishes him).

We can’t imagine any other companion commanding such brazen levels of badass, apart from maybe Jamie.

There’s also a touching – if glossed-over – moment when Super Ace declares herself to be scared. Oh, and some laugh-out-loud mockery of Charlton Athletic.

Meanwhile, the Doctor – “Oh glorious evil, it is he” – has managed to forget a not-insignificant event he instigated some time back. A lapse for which we judge him harshly.

Granted, we frequently misplace our car keys, but we’ve never forgotten having set in train a WMD we hid in a giant space potato.

More importantly, the “predictable little man” not only dons a fez (a certain six-year-old Matt Smith was glued in ‘88) and intrigues us with hints of a murky past, but McCoy also chucks in another great turn in being a manipulative sod.

The Arc of Manipulation (which should’ve been a Who story title) that kicks off here takes us all the way through to Fenric.

And while literally no-one understands what the flip is going on with the chess game through the fag-end of Classic Who, we’re all left so giddy by the ballsy intent of the idea that we daren't think about it too much.

On the subject of not thinking… at one point the Cyber leader scoffs, “It is meaningless.”

He’s referring to jazz but we like to think it’s a wider point about the head-spinning contradiction that is Silver Nemesis.

The best example of this is undoubtedly the hiring of Anton Diffring. If they wanted a recognisable 80s star to wander about looking gormless, they should have plumped for Rick Moranis.

His goofy charm would have slipped into this story quite nicely (side note: this story feels like it belongs in Season 24).

For while Silver Nemesis sets out to be a serious heavy-hitter like Ghost Light, it doesn’t take long before giving up and leaping from a gentle footbridge into Mark of the Rani territory.

And how long does it hold out, would you say? Ooh, about 13 seconds.

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