The Mysterious Planet | Sophisticated Idiots

The Mysterious Planet
(aka The Trial of a Time Lord Part 1)
1986

The Mysterious Planet review: The Sixth Doctor, played by Colin Baker, is put on trial

or The SagaCity of Death

or It’s Gettin’ Meta (Man!!)

Here we reproduce an entirely non-fictitious record of a market research feedback session held at BBC Towers during the interregnum between Seasons 22 and 23.

Market researcher: Mr Nathan-Turner, the audience dislike the Doctor constantly bullying his female companion.

JNT: We’ve already said he won't strangle her anymore. What else can we do?

Market researcher: How about a pleasant relationship, in which they’re friendly to one another?

JNT: Tell you what, we’ll kill her off this season. Anything else?

Market researcher: Yes, the coat.

JNT: We’re not changing his coat.

Market researcher: The feedback from the audience is that they really hate it.

JNT: We’re doubling down on it. In fact, we’re introducing an even more colourful waistcoat. Next.

Market researcher: The feeling is that two-part stories of 45-minute episodes don’t work.

JNT: Fine. We’ll go with a single story spanning 14 episodes.

Market researcher: I’m not sure that’s quite what the audience had in mind.

JNT: Nonsense. What else?

Market researcher: The tone.

JNT: What about it?

Market researcher: The feedback is that it’s too violent, too grown-up.

JNT: Right. We’ll make it funnier. Maybe bring in an actor from the Carry On films.

Market researcher: Uhm, okay.

JNT: Actually – light bulb! Maybe we should introduce more celebrity casting. What did the public think of Alexei Sayle last season?

Market researcher: Well, we didn’t expressly ask about that but -

JNT: Great, let’s pack this season full of celebs then.

Market researcher: Err, that’s not exactly backed up by the research.

JNT: Tough. This meeting is over.

Market researcher (under his breath): So’s your show, mate.

In all honesty, and taking the above exchange into account, The Mysterious Planet has no right to be as enjoyable as it is. It’s a humdrum tale frequently interrupted by plodding courtroom scenes.

But.

In a mystery more mysterious than the supposed mystery in this serial’s title, its saviour is the aspect that should really be its downfall: its self-awareness.

The nods and winks to the behind-the-scenes strife are incessant. And there’s something utterly captivating about it.

After all, few things make us snigger as childishly as gawping at someone else’s dirty linen being publicly aired.

This entire season is riddled with the powers-that-be shrugging their shoulders and declaring, ‘Sod it, we’ve nothing to lose’. And The Mysterious Planet embraces this demob-happy approach BIG TIME, without an iota of subtlety.

Colin’s very first words after the 18-month hiatus are, “Am I late for something?” And at one point he gamely keeps a straight face when crying, “I really think this could be the end.”

Suffice to say, despite the enjoyable meta-tastic implosion, The Mysterious Planet is heavily weighed down by Colin Baker himself, who’s borderline unwatchable in his farewell season.

Cowed by the Mary Whitehouse brigade, it was necessary to remove the fury that underscored his first season performance. But it was a brave decision to fill the void exclusively with pompous pontificating.

Baker II indiscriminately scatter-guns barbs at people with all the charm of a cocky teenager always needing to have the final say. Hand us that bucket and we’ll get in the rock-throwing line.

Though as draining as it is to endure his performance, we must confess to enjoying – for the most part – his putdowns of the Valeyard/Farmyard/Scrapyard/Knackers yard.

And at least the Doctor’s second season softening means his relationship with Peri is less Andrew Tate.

Nicola’s been given licence to cover up, lest the Points of View mob have a coronary, so is sufficiently empowered to channel her best mega-shouldered 80s receptionist and dash around the woods in heels.

Still, we’re treated to some classic Doc Six behaviour when Peri is (not unreasonably) a tad perturbed by the discovery that Earth has been plunged into a Planet of the Apes-style dystopia, but Big Colin's a changed man and wants to press on with some selfish exploring so leaves her to sob over the Marble Arch Tube sign.

Which definitely won’t lead to her getting captured. It’s not as if anyone’s tried to eat her, breed with her or turn her into a cat during any previous such abandonments.

We can only presume the Who suits at this point have already unanimously agreed that Colin’s a lame duck so smother him in guest actors who steal his show from him.

In The Mysterious Planet, this job falls to Tony Selby and Joan Sims (oh, how we pray the rumours of the three actors having pudding-eating contests are true. Congrats Colin: take any win that comes your way, mate).

Plus, Lynda Bellingham (for the ill-educated, Sagacity is Latin for gravy queen) gamely agrees to spend 14 long episodes mediating between the Doctor and the Valeyard to prevent an actual punch-up. Though it might be easier on us all if she just let them get on with it.

Of these Colin sideliners / guest stars, Selby as Sabalom Glitz – who's constantly stalked by the London’s Burning fella hamming it up good and proper – is decent value here and brings a zippy energy to proceedings. Not to the extent that he warrants returning for the next two season finales, but whatevs.

Meanwhile, the Royalty of Carry On is forced to endure the worst of Doctor Who: freezing her behind off on a shoddy outdoor shoot before being dispatched without fanfare by a robot that resembles a Dyson hand dryer.

We’re nearing the end of this first sort-of story in this 14-episode hissy fit (we’re splitting the Trial into four out of pity: otherwise Colin’s reviews will be over before you can say UK Habitats of the Canadian Goose) so we’d better hastily present the remaining “repugnant” evidence for the Valeyard to smirk at:

• The Doctor loses a moral argument with a robot.
• We applaud the premise of the survivors’ exalted scripture being commonplace 20th century works.
• Splashing £8k on the Red Dwarf-esque opening shot of the ship probably could've been better spent elsewhere. On a script editor, for instance.
• The new title music induces rage in us of Colin in Season 22 proportions.
• We’re amused by a chunk of Glitz’s dialogue being redacted for the courtroom using the sound effect of an Amiga farting.
• Yep, we clocked that “five rounds rapid” reference. Cute, guys.
• The idea of a scorched earth and the survivors hanging out underground is fabulous.
• The story doesn’t really go anywhere, so it being constantly interrupted by Judge Rinder histrionics isn’t a bad thing.
• Why are we persisting with the lame plot device of two blond geniuses in thrall to the baddie? Did we learn nothing from our collective Twin Dilemma PTSD?
• The bit where the Doc is zapped and trussed up by the speed-ramped robot is horrid.
• “If I am doomed then you are all doomed.” Um, not quite actually Colin.

If we cared enough, we’d suggest there’s a fundamental flaw at play here. The Valeyard has picked as his “farrago of trumped-up charges” a story where there’s very little moral ambiguity over the Doctor’s actions.

We’re not sure even the Time Lord’s harshest critic (hi, Michael Grade) would conclude this adventure warrants executing him over.

The Valeyard should have made this kangaroo court sit through Underworld. The Doc would've been convicted before Part Two was through.

Much like the 1980s Doctor Who execs, we at Sophisticated Idiots are huge fans of corner-cutting, so we’re overjoyed that Colin and his deceptively easy gait writes our review of Trial of a Time Lord when he bleats:

“If the rest of his presentation is as riveting as the first little epic, wake me when it’s finished.”
Touché.

Mind you, for large swathes of The Mysterious Planet the Doctor has naff-all to do apart from sit in court with his spats up, so he might as well make himself useful by dashing off some reviews for us.

Who knows, in a few centuries they might be heralded among a future civilisation’s Book of Knowledge. Alongside the BBC’s market research report. And Colin’s P45.