Pyramids of Mars | Sophisticated Idiots

As a wise man once said (can’t remember who – maybe an Edwardian poacher?), there are lies, damned lies and statistics.

Pyramids of Mars sits 11th in our list of Tom Baker’s stories. And 23rd overall.

Now, there are fans who’d have us crushed between gigantic mummy chests for dishonouring their beloved Pyramids with such apparently measly ratings. Or, at the very least, shine a green bulb in our direction.

Yet keep your fezzes on, guys. Getting riled about such metrics would be to miss the point.

And not only because the subjectivity swamping our rankings renders them about as reliable as taking measurements using scarf threads.

The most important statistic excavated by the Sophisticated Idiots mission is that ANY of Tom Baker’s top 15 entries could conceivably occupy the summit of our overall list, depending on which direction the wind blows on a particular day. Or how offended we’re feeling by casual racism (mentioning no names, Talons).

Those serials comprising the cream of Tommy (always a bestseller at the Comic-Con cocktail bar) barely have anything separating them – little more than a bandage-thick sliver of fabric, in fact.

And rather than being a source of despondency, our Pyramids rating should serve as a totemic reminder that Baker 1’s golden era is head and shoulders (curly and be-scarfed too) above anything the other Doctor actors manage.

Think we’re telling lies, damn lies? Deactivate the force field surrounding our overall top 20 and take a look around.

Sure, it’s pockmarked with occasional gems from other Doctors, but make no mistake: the upper echelons of Classic Who are simply the Tom Baker Show.

He gobbles up a formidable nine of the top 20 (and six of the top 10).

And Pyramids of Mars is the very personification of formidable.

It rightly carries one heck of a reputation – only Genesis is better known among the general populus, we decree – and its fame is by design. Literally: it possesses two examples of phenomenal costumes that’ll linger in the memory longer than those titular pointy fellas will remain standing in Giza:

Sutekh dons the finest mask in all of Who. A fact even Omega would concede.
As if that wasn’t enough, the production team throw in the robot mummies, replete with a look so distinctive that Tom Baker insisted on dressing up as one. We’re pretty sure that’s how it played out...

The other somewhat significant factor in establishing Pyramids of Mars’ status is that it well and truly got the memo about Season 13 being the Hammer Horror season – the sense of creeping dread here surpasses anything involving Cushing or Lee.

And Baker’s gritty performance is beautifully in keeping with the atmos.

His mood here is worlds away from his latter-seasons persona when he greets every threat in Shada or City of Death with a toothy grin and a quip.

The first time we see the Doctor in Pyramids, he’s having a maudlin moment in the TARDIS. Later, he summons the sensitivity to bark at Laurence to man up and stop moping about his zombified brother.

Such behaviour helps conjure an unease that you’d normally only experience in a regeneration story.

In fact, the only glimmer of light on display is the delightful heel-turn by Tom and Lis when they spot the mummy on Mars.

Most importantly, the Doctor’s showing in Pyramids also sells just how formidable (spot that adjective again?) a foe Sutekh really is.

Sutekh is an absolute titan of Classic Who. He's an astonishing character, with powers that are unsurpassed by any baddie of the week.

Seeing our beloved Time Lord writhing in agony and reduced to a mind-slave is chilling stuff, and we’re legitimately concerned for the Doc’s welfare like never before.

It’s top-drawer drama – and typical of a period of the show that spoils us so rotten it’s hard not to get too blasé about it.

Honestly, the Baker Years 1975-77 are so breezily brilliant, it’s not fair on later periods of the show.

How is such outrageous quality achieved, you may ask?

Well, as with all high-performing teams, appoint the right people and watch greatness unfold. The effort here went into hiring Tom, Lis and Philip Hinchcliffe.

They’re all in utterly sparkling form in Pyramids of Mars.

Take Lis Sladen’s masterclass as an example: her playful mockery of the Doctor early on is a sheer joy, while the scene when she visits the alternative contemporary Earth hits hard.

Obviously, much of the offering here is ridiculous on paper. We’ve got colonial tomb raiders being mind-controlled. An Egyptian sporting a fez while playing the pipe organ. Invisible force fields in the woods. Logic puzzles on Mars. Robot mummies as buff as The Rock.

In less skilled hands, this could become an absurd mess (Revelation of the Daleks, anyone?). But Hinchcliffe’s trademark style keeps everything bound tightly together over its spindly frame.

Now, much like 1980 under Sutekh's rule, Pyramids of Mars isn’t without its challenges – after all, there must be a reason it didn’t leap its way into our top 10.

Firstly, we’ve established that Sutekh’s unbeatable.

Why, then, is this almighty god portrayed by a regular dude sitting in a photobooth? And – more egregiously – one clad entirely in black, but without gloves? We can’t take our hypnotised eyes off his pinky human hands in those long shots.

Another gripe is that Sutekh’s barely in it. Characters spend the best part of three episodes talking him up. He spends two minutes beating on the Doctor, then he’s done.

We should also confess to being a trifle perplexed by the trickery at the end that defeats Sutekh. We know it involves some shonky convenient guff about the speed of light, but retrospectively inserting exposition to clarify the finale is hardly the behaviour of a serial that deserves a top 10 spot.

Mind you, the mummies’ stiff lolling-walk pretty much makes up for such flaws, especially when one of the bandaged chaps comes tantalisingly close to toppling over as he trudges down a hill after the poacher.

Most seismically, we can’t be the only ones who cry themselves to sleep over the missed opportunity of rival chocolate companies failing to unite to produce a Toblerone/Mars mash-up in celebration of this story’s 50th anniversary in 2025. Fingers crossed their respective marketing execs are ready for the 60th.

So then, stats fans. By any measure – yes, even scarf stitching – Pyramids of Mars is tremendous telly. On a different day, this could be top of the (country) pile.

Even if we have placed Pyramids slightly too low, it still comfortably makes Tom’s top 15.

And that’s a phenomenally strong place to be. A place so exalted it’s guarded by logic puzzles from The Crystal Maze.

Oh, and that one-of-you-lies riddle from Labyrinth.

At least 14-year-old Jennifer Connelly could confidently tell Bowie, “You have no power over me.” Which is more than the Doctor can say to Sutekh, eh?

Formidable indeed.

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